So there I was, tears rolling down my face. Saved by grace.
This week hasn’t been one of the easiest, to say the least. It began with a weekend packed with sessions….between Friday afternoon and Sunday evening I had managed to schedule three Valentine minis, a full birthday session, a family session in New Orleans and finished it off with a birthday mini in Prairieville Sunday evening. Throw in two birthday parties on Saturday and some amazing (insert sarcasm) Baton Rouge traffic on Sunday, it had definitely taken it’s toll on me. I hadn’t scheduled myself like this since way before Kellan was born and I just don’t have it in me the way I used to. Monday morning I was ready to go, or so I thought. Kade and Kellan were feeling so under the weather, both with nasty colds. I had SO much to do. Sessions to edit, Valentine cards to design and send out to clients, teasers to post, a birthday party to plan…just so much. Fast forward to Thursday, I managed to get the pressing things out. Still didn’t have Valentines for Blaison’s class done, still didn’t have much done for his birthday party on Saturday…yes, this Saturday…and I had another session and a basketball game to get him to in Gonzales. So, in typical Cassie fashion I packed everything under the sun for everyone and made an entire day out of Thursday. At about 11:00 last night, I was proud of myself for managing the day the way I had. I still had nothing for Blaison’s class and not much progress for his party, but “…that’s ok, I’ll tackle it all tomorrow…”. Once again, so I thought.
I had great plans for this beautiful Friday morning. I let Blaison sleep in because we had gotten in so late last night, we picked up doughnuts for his class for Valentine’s day (not your traditional Vday but hey, I’m pretty sure he’s the most liked kid right about now ;), and we were off to Wal-Mart to finish up the rest of Blaison’s birthday party stuff. Kellan had been pretty fussy all morning but fell asleep on the way so I assumed he’d be in a great mood for our grocery store trip. I woke both boys up to load them into the grocery cart, Kade was soaked…he had an accident in his car seat while napping. Changed him, and made our way into the store. Not a minute into the store he had to use the bathroom again. Sure enough, bathrooms are under construction and Kellan starts fussing again. I asked Kade to hold it while we shopped really quick. I got the absolute necessities because by that time Kellan was fussing to the point that it just wasn’t worth it. He didn’t feel good and I knew it. As we are sitting in the checkout line I kept feeling water drops. I look around to see if anything has spilled, checked my bag for any leaking bottles, and found nothing. I told myself it was my imagination and continued checking out. More drops….where in the world was it coming from?…was I really going crazy?! As I’m looking around again I notice Kade’s boot is soaked. He couldn’t hold it any long and had another accident but he has managed to angle himself so that it dripped down one leg and into his boot. I’m sitting in the checkout line, Kellan screaming, Kade soaked with a dripping boot of pee, and get a bill that was way over what I planned on spending. I manage to get them to the car and loaded without having a breakdown right there in the middle of the parking lot. As I’m driving home I think about how disappointed I am in myself. Upset because I accomplished nothing this morning but a pile of laundry and an empty wallet. Who had I become? Years ago, I would have never let myself be in this position. Valentines would have been done the Sunday before and this party would have been planned to perfection this time last month. As I’m sitting there feeling so incredibly down thinking about how bad of a week it has been, how alone I felt at the time, how all I need is a day…just one day to myself to clean house, catch up on laundry….. I notice there is silence. I look back to see two quiet little boys, not sleeping but just content. In the middle of those thoughts, I realized that God will give us only what we can handle. He has given me exactly what he knows I’m capable of handling. I think back of all of my struggles and realize that they are all strategically placed throughout my life by him to learn from…to grow from. At a point close to breakdown he gave me that little bit of silence…uninterrupted silence to see his presence…to know that he sees. In the middle of all this, I get a message from a sweet family friend. I instantly breakdown crying. Not because of the message, it was small talk about getting a table back to her. I breakdown because I know she suffers the burden of child loss each and every single day of her life. How selfish was I to think my week of nonstop work, and a fussy baby was so bad? She is the epitome of a mother’s strength….the epitome of grace. So there I was, tears rolling down my face. Saved by grace. Saved by grace that she unknowingly extrudes.
When I think back about how thankful I am to have been reminded why I was given this tiny little struggle, they stop. The tears just stop. I wipe my face and reflect on what just happened. Kids are still quiet. I thank God for what he had just given me, the bit of silence for it all to come to light. Then I get a “Rooooaaarrr” from the back seat, Kade playing with Kellan….a validation that HE was present.
Know that how lonely it gets, there is always someone there of great power….someone that will get you through it as along as you let him.