It safe to say it’s been a really long time since I’ve written one of these and that we can save all the emotional details, ups and downs, and lessons learned for another letter.
This week you turn five. Five. It seems like just yesterday you were crawling through our kitchen pulling out whatever you wanted from the fridge. Things like sending you off to your first day of Mother’s Day Out, welcoming your new baby brother home, walking you into your first day of PreK and loading you up on to the bus for the very first time are all just memories. All of the hugs, the kisses, the I love you’s, all of the tears, the close calls….all of it leading up to this week mean so much to me. It’s all of this that has gotten us here to exactly this moment, three days before you turn five.
For some reason five is hitting me, it’s hitting me hard. I find myself in a place that I’m very familiar with. Days and almost months after you were born, I felt this same exact feeling. It’s one I love and hate all at the same time. The feeling that I don’t want you to grow one more single second. I want so badly for you to stay little and mine. I want to forever feel your tiny hands hug my neck as hard as you can and your sweet little kisses to let me know how much I mean to you. Maybe it’s that I see you growing up, so big and so amazing. The fact that I can’t stop it. Or maybe it’s that I feel like I haven’t squeezed enough out of your tiny five little years here with me. No matter the rhyme or reason, I know it’s deep.
At five years old, you are one of the most amazing little humans I’ve met. Your big, courageous heart is one I hope you keep. The way you value people as a whole is a gift I wish everyone could be given. The way take on life with so much love. I see you with your friends at school always making them laugh. I hear you talk about your teachers and how much you truly love them. Stories of how much you love every single person you meet…..melt me over and over again.
These days, you are an early riser. Like 4:00 in the morning “early riser”. You wake up like clockwork, ask for something to drink and usually “play house” with all of my tupperware and the animal crackers in the pantry. You also, LOVE to be naked. As in, you get joy out of stripping down to nothing and running around the house in 37 degree weather <<<this happened like two days ago! As a brother, you can be an aggravating one. You love to annoy Kellan and Blaison but you also love to love them. And for Matty, you swoon over him. He is your buddy at around 5 or 6 in the morning. The second you hear him wake up, your in his room with a arm full of your favorite toys. You love to make him laugh and see him smile. I can say that your more than I could have ever imagined as a big brother and for that, I am so proud of you.
At the beginning of writing this, I was in tears. Mourning what I can’t get back with you. I melted into a puddle knowing how quickly time has gone by. I knew I’d get to the good part, the happy one….the one I love. At the end of it all, once my eyes are dry and I’ve gotten past all the sadness I am so proud and thankful to call you mine. You are kind and so incredibly smart. You have a beautiful soul and love so big. Your laughter is contagious and I’m so thankful that I the lucky one who get’s it every single day.